Friday, January 25, 2013

Real Talk About Why Pets are Super Gross and Wonderful

So it's this little fucker's fifth birthday!

Well, it was a week ago now, but I'm as bad of a mom as I am as a blogger and totally forgot.  But even though Lucille Austero has only been in our lives for a few months, she is now 100% officially a part of the family. 

Sure, sometimes she does things like throw up in my armpit while I'm watching The West Wing, or she will snuggle up in bed with you JUST to fart on you, and leave once the deed is done. She has done more than enough to warrant her nickname from Andy, Wiggles McDumbass. But she also will nap on my back when I have cramps, she will let me carry her around the house singing weird songs to her, to the tune of really old, semi-popular songs ("What would you do if your Luce was at home, cryin all alone on the bedroom floor cause she's hungry? And the only way to feed her is to go to Petsmart with a little bit of money and get some doggy bones...)

It took a lot of cajoling for our landlord to agree to her, and it took a lot of stress at the beginning. We crate trained her, and it SUCKED. Everyone kept saying, stick with it! She'll love it! She'll never go to the bathroom in there, don't worry! What they meant to say was, she is going to cry in her crate every night for two weeks, you will not sleep. She WILL take poops in her crate, and everyone will tell you there is no logical reason for that (if her crate is the right size, which it is). You will lose your mind. The shelter will tell you she is housetrained, but she will still poop next to your desk once a day, like clockwork, no matter how many times she goes out. You will cry out of frustration. 

But consistency is IT, man. Even when you want to give up, even when you think WHY ARE WE STICKING WITH THIS IF IT ISN'T WORKING, especially then. And you know what? When your friend adopts a dog and it sucks at first, tell them that. Everyone else seems like their dog came pre-trained, pre-awesome, ready-to-go and that we had some weird, defective shit factory. Turns out, dogs just do stuff like that. And in spite of it all, they are still amazing.

Lucille on adoption day!

Even though Loose Seal is purebred, she is a shelter dog. I highly, highly recommend looking into adopting a shelter dog first. On Petfinder you can even search by the breed you want, if that is important to you! When I was looking up some more resources for you, I found this totally bat shit crazy woman ranting about how bad adopted dogs are. So, you know, listen to me and not her.

The moral of this story is that dogs are really hard and people sometimes pretend like they aren't, but if ever your dog pissed on your favorite pillow so many times you almost lost your god damn mind, you are not alone. I am here with you. I understand why you are madly in love with, and spam your Instagram with, someone who does all the things talked about in this entry.

Identity crisis

Happy birthday, Lucille Austero. Mommy loves you, and is sorry she commemorated your birth by telling the internet about all the nasty shit you do.


  1. I laughed so hard at this post. One of my favorite things to do is to put Allegra's name into songs and sing them to her. Yours was nothing short of brilliant.
    Happy Birthday Lucille!

  2. Yeah ... barney is NOT crate trained. That little bastard owns our house. However, he never, ever goes to the bathroom in the house unless I'm irresponsible and forget to take him out OR if we kick him out of our bed. He has a very special angry pee spot by the recliner.

  3. Where is the part that you say it helps to know a really good trainer? Because I'm totally awesome and really good at tooting my own horn ;) Happy Happy Birthday Lucille! So happy you gave her a good home!

    1. haha no kidding, i dont know if we would have survived the first month without you, and that is not an exaggeration haha

  4. awww i think you have the best dog in the world.

  5. Thanks for this post! I feel like all pet parents need to be reminded that other pets do crazy crap too. I have a litter trained bunny who, without fail, will pee on my lap whenever I let him on the couch. My husband can sit with him for an hour and he's still pee-free. I've got five minutes tops. I love him to bits, but it's comforting to know he isn't the only little booger out there. (also, we sing to him "Mr. Gus -man." to the toon of "Mr. postman" of course.)

    1. SHUT UP! my last dog was named Gus and I sang "mr. gus man" to him to the tune of "taxman" by the beatles hahaha

  6. Fantastic read. I love how straight-forward you are about everything. No sugar-coating. No BS. I've never "owned" a dog, but I've lived with people with dogs before, and I definitely had to do my part to take care of them. You hit the nail on the head. There's definitely a struggle to be endured in the beginning, but it's totally worth it. Can't help but love them, even when he's your roommate's dog and he's extremely-jumpy and he pees on your head when you suddenly reach out to pet him while laying down on the couch... :-\

    Anyway, I miss having a dog around and am sure I'll own one eventually. It'll definitely be a shelter dog.Happy belated Birthday to your dog.

  7. Oh my god I actually cried reading this.

    Around the same time you got Lucille I got my very first puppy. And yes, he does make me feel like screaming and/or crying sometimes. But then on nights like tonight he passes out next to the couch after his dinner and looks like the most perfect corgi-shaped angel.

    And this line: "Everyone else seems like their dog came pre-trained, pre-awesome, ready-to-go and that we had some weird, defective shit factory. Turns out, dogs just do stuff like that." This line sums up exactly how I felt, and still feel. He's amazing, and smart, and good at problem solving, and loves playing fetch, but dog ownership is totally different from what I expected and sometimes it catches me off-guard.

    Good thing Lucille has someone who loves her so much! (So much!) Happy birthday, Wiggles McDumbass*!

    *I had to read her nickname to my dad because it was so good. :)

  8. I just discovered your blog, and it's great! I'm also a little biased b/c I saw you precious bostie, and have 2 of my own, so I'm drawn to anything relating to them! nerd alert! I can't believe you found your sweet Lucille in a shelter! What a find, she's adorbs! I recently started a blog similar to yours, so I have't posted much about my pups yet, but I'm sure they will make their mark over time :)


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